Don't let the dumb girl get you down

They walk among us, they eat lunch with us, some of us are related to them. I'm talking about Dumb girls. IQ in the negative. Light is on, but no ones home. The elevator does not reach the top floor. Birds flying around in the attic. I could go on and on.

What I find striking, is that they are able to graduate at uni. Many of them, and don't be shocked, but many of them are able to find decent (stable, well-paying, respectable) jobs.

This results in the world that we live in now - where many of us ordinary, smart girls have to interact and deal with them.

We never know when these interactions may take place. We constantly have to put our Mrs Smith game face on. It could be in the day, outside of the boxing ring, where unfortunately, punching them is not permitted.

What happened to Darwinism?

What happened to survival of the fittest? I plead with the universe for some justice. If there's any justice in the world...

If the future of the human race lies in the hands of the, forgive my candidness, airheads - I am much better off taking a job wearing the suit of a well-known purple dinosaur that we all know and love.

It feels down right ludicrous. And yes, you are not crazy. I have too wondered if I am actually the one going a little... (finger making circular motions on the side of my head) ? But it's just plain unfair, to sit and watch, with our mouths open, at the graceful manner in which the airheads navigate.

But don't let her get you down. I have a prophecy. One day, in the not too distant future, there will come a time, where she, will sit and try and take credit for something she got from you, and will get it wrong (you see airheads aren't that good with remembering details) and the world will know. The universe will obtain its justice and equilibrium will be reach, we will all live happily ever after.

When is the right time?

We've all heard the whispers of the words "right time"

I'm asking, what the H3## does that even mean?

Surely we are not a bunch of grapes that have a certain period when they are sweet, ripe, juicy and ready for the picking? The "right time" analogy makes sense when we are referring to fruit - if only we were all grapes. (If i were a grape I would want to be one that would end up as a Cabernet Sauvignon - that's my absolute favourite)

Anyway, I digress, I think the point I'm trying to make is that ultimately we are human beings. Its too early to do this. Its too late to do that. I'll do it tomorrow. You're too young for that. I'm too old for this.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah!

Why do we insist on doing this to ourselves? The whole "right time" debacle only ends up holding us back, making us conform to undefinded, intangible, social norms so we can ultimately feel as though we are not deviating at all from the crowd.

Okay, okay, okay, you've identified the hole in my argument. So I will say this, I personally don't agree on a the marriage of a 16-year old girl to some greasy, belching moley-faced man - but if she's happy, then don't we as a society need to just be happy for her?

Who knows when the right time will come for any of us. Trust in your gut and if that doesn't work - make the decision while you're drunk! Atleast you'll have a fabulous story to tell.

Bromantic Obstables

When Friends Get in the Way

I, girlfriend, take thee, boyfriend and friends to be my partner/s. .. my pledge to stay by your and your friends side as your girlfriend in sickness and in health, in joy and when your friends give you a hard time, in good times and when you party with the boys and say ‘no girlfriends’ allowed, for as long as we both shall live or until relationships become obsolete.


I had a rare, surreal and rather unusual experience. I found myself on a weekend away with my ex-boyfriends friends. I mean, how often does that happen in life? We won’t go into exactly how I ended up in that bizarre situation. But, this somehow managed to work in my favour. I decided to put all the awkwardness aside, and see it as an opportunity, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to gain some insider scoop, some after-the-fact knowledge and my, wasn’t I surprised.


If you have been lucky enough to be someone’s significant other, you’ll probably know what it’s like to go through the friend test. You’ve been working hard, making sure your relationship is on the straight and narrow, and things are probably going great – until you have to meet his friends. Personally, I think meeting the friends is on a much more superior and far more challenging level when compared to meeting the parents, in fact meeting the parent’s is a breeze.

Let’s face it, unless you’re into drugs, stripping or the proverbial (and recently more popular) gold-digging, you’re pretty much in the safe zone. If you really want my opinion, I think, his parents will be happy with just the mere fact that their little bundle of sunshine and joy managed to get a girl to date him in the first place - the memories and traumas of him not wanting to bath, barely shaving, partying all the time are enough for them to thank God for that decent woman who single-handedly managed to put him on right path.
But the friends, they are tough. The worst part is that they have powers; they manage to exert slightly more influence over his views and decisions. So, however hard you try, you cannot over-prepare for the dreaded encounter.

When it happens you’ll know. It’s got to be the same feeling I imagine criminals get during questioning, the shady room, with obscure sunlight gleaming in through half open blinds, not to mention the bright light aimed right in the dead centre of your eyes causing you to squint. You are actually being questioned. Are you good enough? Is she a justifiable reason for him to cut down on ‘boy’s night’ in favour of quality time? And trust me; they don’t let you have it easy.

"Girlfriends are the obstacle that gets in the way..."

Being with the friends of the ex, gave me a different perspective - an insider view. To my shock, horror, surprise I found out that: men aren’t really fond of the whole girlfriend thing. Girlfriends represent the transition from their friend being cool and fun to boring and caring (which is… Zzzz … and GAY – not my words or thoughts). Girlfriends are the obstacle that gets in the way of bourgeoning bromances reaching their full potential. Girlfriends spell the end of wing-men.

As a result, throughout a relationship, a girlfriend is involved in a struggle. Keeping a boyfriend happy is demanding enough without adding in the friend’s factor – and with them (who are not entirely happy with the situation in the first place) it becomes extremely problematic.

Bro’s before Ho’s is their mantra and they are sticking to it.

 So what now girls? Well you’ve gotta make the commitment to him and his friends – because when you first start dating him, you are dating him AND his friends.

"No I don’t want your phone number; I want your pin..."

It is always incomprehensible to a man, that a woman in possession of a Blackberry should refuse an offer of his pin.

This started out like any other random thought that pops into my head (there are A LOT of those). I pondered Shakespeare style (legs crossed, hand under chin – it’s the best when you trying to look intelligent) and mulled for hours over this new techno-savvy society in which we unintentionally find ourselves living in (my thoughts weren’t about boys for a change, but as you guessed – they come in later).

Look, I know I know – you’ve heard it all before; and I know that we’ve been bombarded with opinions and “studies have proven” theories about how this (this meaning technology) has affected us.

(Every Sci-Fi movie plot since the arc: Computers are out to destroy human race. Hero comes in and fries the hard drive. They live happily ever after.)

If you look a little harder, you will find those extremely ‘newsworthy’ (attempting sarcasm here) stories about that kid who sold his kidney for an iPad; or that married man who was shamefully discovered cheating on Facebook. Not to mention, chain messages (which are not annoying at all), stolen identities, hacking, revolutions all fuelled by technology.

ZZzzzzzz…. Snore

Sorry I digress, contrary to previous paragraph – this is not a news article, I repeat, this is not a news article.

The main question is – how is this relevant? Because the fact of the matter is - these ‘newsworthy’ techno-stories don’t actually affect anyone’s life in any way.

Well just for the purposes of trying to write and interesting and entertaining blog, I’m going to say yes. It matters because people have stopped communicating.

Face to face communication has died a slow, torturous and painful death!

Here's a good one for you, I bet if you had to ask yourself to think back (waaaaay back down the deep crevices of your mind) to the last time you were asked for your mobile number - can you remember? And even if you were fortunate enough to get asked for your mobile number, when was the last time your number was used for its God-given birthright – phone calls?

Technology has without question changed the way that we communicate and taken the “mance” out of romance (mance isn’t really a word and therefore has no point other than for dramatic effect).

Where men were once brave and courageous, coming in just as you were about to fall off that cliff, saving the world (all before brushing his teeth because he was just amazing), riding his humble steed, not minding getting his hands dirty while behaving nothing short of a distinguished gentleman. They were those that insisted on picking a lady up for their date, they were men that didn’t mind dinner and movies (and if you wanted to watch a chick flick – they uncomplainingly obliged), they didn’t meet their partners in nightclubs or bars, and what is most unique about them? They  asked for a ladies telephone number AND used it to call her!

Today, our most noblest of knights, the ones who we now refer to as the ‘modern’ face of chivalry are just not... like they used to be? (Phew, trying not to offend the entire male population puts some strain on your thoughts).

…The face of Chivalry has changed

With all the bells and whistles of a suave Casanova he will approach you (if he’s not wearing headphones it’s a good sign), well versed in the ways of Don Juan, he is probably good-looking, maybe he saw you from a distance and you two locked eyes – however the initial wooing scenario went, it all plays out the same…

He goes in for the kill, he’s been working up the courage all night, finally after briefly clearing his throat, he asks you in a demure tone, trying not to sound too upfront, whether or not he can have your pin? GOOOAAAAALLLLLLLL! (I just had to take advantage of the commentating tempo there)

Every time it happens, it still shocks me. It’s almost as though I didn’t see it coming. Maybe I thought ‘this time would be different’, but it never is.

What is the obsession with pins or whether or not one is available on WhatsApp anyway? I mean if we were going to have a relationship after our initial meeting, it wouldn’t be the online kind I assure you. And don’t get me wrong, us girls are guilty as well, masquerading the background-check as a harmless friend request on Facebook.

Honestly speaking, I have to admit that if I had to receive a phone call now, I wouldn’t even know how to answer it, what to talk about, what to say, let alone find out whether or not we have anything in common? (That has got to be the recipe for the most disastrous phone call ever, I’m imagining heavy breathing and awkward silences…).

BBMing my husband to switch off his bedside lamp is a very real possibility, no wait, maybe there’s an App for that.

Where Did Your Values Go Missy?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of no class must be in want of a man…any man

I thoroughly enjoy going out and simply marveling at human behaviour – I enjoy trying to figure out the dynamics of peoples relationships. I look at the facade so carefully crafted to be allowed into a social environment. You can tell little nuances that give your insight into what’s really going on with people by simply taking the time and observing.

But no behaviour fascinates me as much as women trying to gain the attention of “eligible” bachelors. (Eligible is used loosely here)

Maybe its desperation or maybe it’s just simply not caring, but lately as the going gets tough and the eggs get old, women get brazen.

I’m yet to feel my womb cry or any sort of maternal instinct for that matter. But I have been down that road. It seems women have a much more difficult journey when faced with the real challenge of trying to balance work and traditional responsibilities/expectations.

If you are a woman that is career/goal-oriented, this may sound familiar to you. You go to school, do the right thing, pass and go through to work and begin your career or you choose to study. All of a sudden, you get to a point one day where you realise that everyone around you has managed to get hitched and have their family. Then it dawns on you: all your boxes are ticked except one, it just happens to be big and red and hanging over your head every time someone asks you if you’re seeing someone.

“Are you seeing someone yet?” becomes the root of all your fears – you avoid all known question offenders like the plague. Every time you hear those words, the muscles surrounding the pits of your stomach all contract at once. Your palms sweat and your heart rate increases just a little.

 And when you utter your answer “No” (which just happens to be the same answer you give the same person every time they ask you) – all your shame and anxiety about not contributing to the human race comes out, in that answer, you are faced with your only possible inadequacy.

I wonder if these people (the serial-question-askers) have ever bothered to really sit down and compare you to some of the other women (who seem to be ahead of you only because they are married) if they are happy? And if they did ask them, I’m sure they’d say that they’d wish they’d focused more on their career… *wishful thinking*

Panic stricken, you start trying to deal with the reality that you may be the only woman in the world that this has ever happened to? (But you are not and there’s proof in those horror stories of people single and turning 40). People may try and offer you comfort by saying that they know someone who managed to get married at 50 and she’s really happy… (I should bloody well hope so)

I’m sure you’ve even had a freak out moment when you wonder – what if all the good ones are gone. I’m going to have to marry someone who’s 100 or has one ball, or has a social disorder or doesn’t work and sits on the couch the whole day eating lays and watching Dr. Phil,  or what if he’s in another country? (I’m too realistic to believe that fate extends across borders) OR what if it’s a disastrous combination of all of the above? *silent sobs*

Anyway, any women “getting on” in her years (I’m 23 by the way, I use the term “getting on” loosely) shares similar fears. So what do they do?

They start grasping at straws, or anything with hair and a husky voice. It’s actually quite disgusting, I’ve seen women deliberately rubbing themselves against “eligible” men’s backs (yes, back as in where the spine is), and that’s not the worst part. I have seen with my own eyes (even though they burned after), a woman grab a man’s crotch, I suppose she felt that it was acceptable because she was drunk.

The worst part is, women who behave in this manner are not the ugly ones – you would expect it from someone whose face looked like ass – but no, these were beautiful, above average women just selling themselves short because they are getting on in years and feel that they need to find a husband.
I just wonder to myself, what would your mother think of you?

Where did your values go Missy??

Why do You want to know where I live?

Being single and ready to go out whenever and wherever the opportunity arises doesn’t help my situation much. Enjoying smiling and flirting doesn’t help either. I daresay, at the risk of coming across pompous and conceited, having above average looks with charm and charisma really doesn’t help at all…

I constantly find myself involved in awkward situations where the normal rules of social behaviour don’t apply. This in turn makes me think back to a more glorious time, a time before I was born; a time when men were charming, and believed in courting. They had that thing, that x-factor, can’t quite be described or put into words – but you read about it in books. I think that thing could be likened to respect. When they saw a woman, they looked past her beautiful exterior and delved deeper, and were curious to find out what her mind had to offer. They were poets; they lived and wrote about feeling… (In a total not gay way)

What we have now, is a proliferation of men that nobly seek adventure, they seek to journey the depths of your… wait for it… this is where it gets good… they want to journey the depths of your… underpants! With obstacles such as “daddy issues” and ”insecurities” being but harmless opponents on their quest for greater satisfaction. (Pardon the intentional pun)

This brings me to the topic/title of this piece… Why the hell do you want to know where I live? What difference does it make in your life? And the answer is NO, it is not small talk. What happened to “How’s the weather?” or “Do you come here often?” or even the abused line of “I’m sure I’ve seen you around” and “you look familiar”.

Two cardinal rules which I will not break ever, under NO circumstance is:

1. Don’t infringe on the space bubble (has nothing to do with the topic, but as a rule I believe that it should be respected).
2. Never reveal personal information under the rouse of small talk.

Would just like to give a word of advice to all the guys out there – don’t be “that guy” – you know “‘that guy’ who asks where I live”
It's really just awkward. Avoid getting her into that situation where she’s wondering: ‘I wonder what kind of home he came from? Maybe his parents didn’t love and care for him. Maybe where he came from those kinds of questions are okay… that’s just weird.’
She will then try and think of an appropriate response, this meaning that she is going to try her best to not come across as a mean horrible person, but she is still in disbelief at the question you asked. She will use her friend as a decoy – “I’m sorry, we were just having a conversation, and do you mind?” (At this point you should leave, that ‘do you mind’ is rhetorical). The other option she may use, if she’s a little more direct is “I don’t like giving out personal information” (at this point, avoid every instinct in your body or urge to ask “don’t you trust me?” – because she doesn’t, and i do not think you want her to say that out loud)

Gaydar: Out of Order

“I woke up one day and realized that I’d give everything I owned for you to chase me–and you were the one determined not too.”
— Debra White Smith Dave Davidson (First Impressions)

 

It is seldom that a women goes out and experiences a true connection with any individual. Not to mention, nightclubs are not condusive to these “connection” forming meetings. However, sometimes it’s as though the universe sets out to prove you wrong and debunk all the myths. You know, we’ve heard it from millions of people and we’ve watch films and read books that spread the message that nothing good can come out of meeting anyone at a nightclub.

 

Well like any other sensible human being I try not to believe that I will meet my knight-in-shining-armour dancing to the latest Lady Gaga song. However, it almost seems like fate when you do meet someone (even if it is in a nightclub), through all the chaos you manage to lock eyes, and for a few brief moments, the crass obnoxious atmosphere becomes secondary to the “lust at first sight” that you are experiencing.

 

And that is how I met this beautiful beau. He was graceful on the eyes and approached me directly. We got to chatting. I couldnt help but notice how easily conversation flowed. Talking to him came natuarally. I found him very intuitive, it was almost as though he really saw me for what I was.

 

Keep in mind, it is possible that I misinterpreted the conversation flowing – this occured after many a screwdriver.

 

Needless to say, I thought that we left off on a positive note as he gave me his business card stating a suave: “Drop me a mail”.

 

He had me at drop.

 

I fussed the whole weekend, staring at the business card hoping that everything equalled out to more than what it was – only to find out that he batted for the other team. The closet was open and organised. He swam upstream. And the list of euphemisms goes on.

 

To prevent this swag fail from happening to any other unsuspecting victims, I have complied a list on how to prevent mistaking someones ‘orientation’.

 

1. Never get drunk (this seems pretty harsh, but in order for your Gaydar to work perfectly, no alcohol can be consumed).
2. Wear very revealing clothing (If he does not look at your chest, atleast once in admiration, that is be a clear indication of his status)
3. Fling your hair, giggle and lightly touch his shoulder (If this has no effect on him, he is definitely gay!)
4. Watch him carefully (If you see him tapping his feet to Born this Way by Lady Gaga – that counts as a basic confession)

Hope this serves as help to all the divas out there! Dont make the same mistake as I did – I ignored all the basic signs, i wish someone had sent me this list.
RRR